Our Own Kids Or Adoption?

Not two months after we got married, the persistent question we were asked most was when kids would arrive. As in: you meet, you date, you marry, and then kids soon after. But we had decided to wait 1-2 years before considering a family. Returning to the question this year, we explored it from a slightly different perspective: are we ready to have kids at all, and if so, how many? Can we even have kids (you'd be surprised how widespread infertility is), and how soon? How about adoption? Some exciting yet difficult conversations, definitely.

There is no question that we want to have kids. How many? A compromise at 3, God willing. She comes from a small family (2+2) whereas I come from a larger family (6+3), so our initial tendencies were along those lines. We also would like to adopt a child, if we are able to down the road. We recognize though that however and whenever the kids arrive, they will be gifts from God and our responsibilites multiply ten-fold. But are we ready for all that?

How do you even know you are ready for all that anyway? Finances because kids are expensive. Grown up because you just invited ninety-nine problems. Strong relationship because that's how you will get through insane times together. Time because you must be there for them no matter what and it's no longer about you. Well-wishers because it takes a village to raise a child. Health because sick begets sick. I'm sure there are many more.

Now the hard part: if for whatever reason we cannot naturally have kids, we decided we would consider some medical intervention but not beyond what is reasonable and common (and affordable). With these things, you just never know. I think it would also hasten our plans for adoption. As exciting as envisioning a full family is, the mental and emotional preparation for undesired circumstances is quite excrutiating. I'm a big planner, but with these things, there isn't a solid good plan. God is in control, right?

While we resolve some final details and prepare ourselves for this journey, we are very much aware that big decisions and challenges like we've never seen await us (should we be scared?). The compass has turned, it's a matter of time now and the 5-year plan is in place.

Different Shopping Habits

We've been told in the past: you must agree on everything in marriage. But now I tell you, it is okay to disagree on non-essentials and be content with that. And so it goes that when it comes to grocery shopping, we ended up at an impasse.

Like when I shop according to a grocery list, I won't bring home anything that is not on the list. But she does, sometimes to take advantage of a good sale or an impulse purchase that was hard to resist. With my way, we miss out on last-minute deals discovered at the grocery store; with her way, we almost certainly go over-budget or end up with food we can't use before it goes bad. No one way is better, but they are fundamentally different.

Or like when my minimalist tendencies cause me to favor having the means to get things only when we need them, rather than her tendency to attain things in case we will need them. This difference in perspective means we consider material possessions differently.

Or like when she does all the shopping in half the time it would take me. She's learned her way around the grocery store, optimizing the shopping list so she walks the shortest route in the aisles. I'm a multi-pass guy and don't mind bouncing from end to end in the store, as long as I find what I need. Her way is better.

Or like when I have ideas to "modernize" our grocery shopping with the latest apps: ones that allow procuring of shopping lists based on recipes, provide coupons and deals, allow you to plan your meals, rate and recommend recipes, provide price comparisons, and count your calories. (I'm still looking for such an app, if it exists). She won't entertain any of this. Her way of good old paper-and-pen is more practical, but I hold out hope she'll see the light someday.

Or like when we squabble about what to actually buy. We did this experiment once where we decided to go grocery shopping without a list -- the idea was to decide everything at the store. To say the least, we drove back home pissed off at each other, and having spent way more than we planned. Two other joint shopping trips later, we concluded we have "irreconcilable differences" in shopping intelligence and decision-making, that it would be best for just one of us to go alone when it is needed.

You can agree to disagree on non-essentials, and that can be the normal for your marriage. Shopping is trivial, but there are bigger issues where "agree to disagree" is a harmonious solution. No need to work against the grain to force your perspectives onto the same page.

Vacation In Wyoming

As we have done for 3 years (7 years for me), each summer we head to the wilderness that is the Grand Tetons area of north-west Wyoming for some camping and fellowship. Morningstar Camp is a Christian family outreach run by Jonathan LaBenne for more than 15 years, hosting up to 400 people over its 2-week span this year. About midway between Jackson Hole and Yellowstone National Park is where this perfect vacation getaway happens.

We usually attend for up to 6 days, during which there is no shortage of activities to do. There is horseback riding, white water rafting, hiking, scenic tours. Jackson Hole is 20 minutes away and so is Yellowstone National Park. I've hiked to one of the Grand Tetons peaks (very challenging). Once a week, there is a visit to the Bar-J Chuckwagon Wranglers joint and an evening designated "talent night" when participants share music, poetry, and other items to encourage and edify the body. Throughout the week, some people share their hobbies: this is how I learned about guns and shooting, and you don't want to hear about my total failure at fishing (twice). My wife and I usually sneak in a date night in town and invite one of our good couple friends to join us.
On camp grounds, there are games (volleyball, ping-pong, chess, and cards), cooked morning and evening meals (thank you Del Monte Meats), and hot showers; nothing like any other camping experience. Most of all, it is free. I am sure it is a hefty financial undertaking so it should go without mention that anonymous donations are welcome.

Probably the best part of this experience are the people. We have made many lasting friends and enjoyed meeting new people from various walks of life. They come from all over the US to attend, a few from out of the country. Most attendants are conservative Christian of the Brethren fellowship (or its derivative). Even so, anyone is welcome to attend (except break bread, of course) and if anyone were to accept Christ, baptisms can be done in the nearby rivers. Twice a day, there are "sings" (music), in which I wholeheartedly participate on the bass guitar or percussion. Discussions and teaching on contemporary and biblical issues is a core camp activity, originated from questions fielded to elders and a biblical theme/topic chosen for that year.

At the conclusion of our trip, we made a detour to Cody, WY to visit some friends of ours. The only drama on the trip happened on this leg: we lost 3 hours of driving time on an unusable route across the mountains that our GPS urged us to follow. We should have known better by all the clues -- we were the only vehicle on this road, wildlife was abundant, and there were weeds and shrubs growing right on the tarmac. Eventually the paved road turned into dirt and we knew something was wrong. We later learned the road had been damaged and closed after a mountain wildfire a few years ago. Somehow the latest Garmin and Google maps still consider it usable.

Our 8-day vacation concluded on July 4th (Independence Day) in Cody with fireworks and a night out on the town with friends. Ten hours (one-way) and 2000 miles roundtrip later, we were back home to our busy lives. This trip cost us less than $400 in total. Worth it in every sense.