Quabling About Chores

In every marriage, there is the inevitable discussion about chores and who does what around the home, usually early on in the marriage. Who is responsible for the cars, finances, trash, cleaning, food and groceries, laundry, and dishes, especially when both of you are income earners? We've had a couple such discussions ourselves, and have learned some important principles as we worked through those conflicts. Here we go with the lessons learned:

1. Know what chores or tasks need to be done around the home. Be an expert in that domain, such that if you are responsible for your cars, you are always on top of the game that your wife doesn't have to worry about how the cars are doing.
2. Know that there will always be things to do, and they will change over time. And know that no one outside the marriage will do these things for you -- one of you will have to. This is for a long haul.
3. Know that you are equally entitled to any of the chores, good or bad, but that whoever is better at some task should preferably take ownership of it. It'll make the grind easier. So if she is better at managing finances than I am, there no good reason why I should insist on handling that task.
4. Understand that you each have to put 100% effort into doing whatever you do. Marriage teamwork demands that 100% plus 100% equal a collective 100%. Weird math. There a beauty here though: when one of you cannot do their part, you still have 100% coverage.
5. Have an attitude of service when you do your appointed tasks. That is how you serve your spouse, sacrificially. It helps to remember this when you are doing something you particularly hate doing.
6. Find a certain contentment in what you do, and seek out opportunities to get better at it or grow. Someday perhaps I'll figure out a way to dispose of trash without having to carry it to the trash bin downstairs. Using lasers maybe.
7. Recognize that your spouse may go about certain tasks in ways you find strange, inefficient, or incredible. Don't impose your way of doing things on them; be glad that they are doing the task at all. Let them totally own the tasks, including when they choose to do those tasks.
8. Be open to critique from your spouse, if it is meant to help you do your task or chore better. You can learn a thing or two and make life easier by sharing tips about how to do things and experiences. If you constantly don't like how/what they do, better do it yourself next time.
9. If you have done a chore to the best of your effort, find contentment in that. Don't sweat what you didn't know could be done to improve your task or do it easier. If it is sufficient, that's all you need to do.
10. Strive to understand what chores or tasks your spouse does. You will know when you can help her out from time to time, or how to do those tasks when she is not able to. Ideally, you should be able to do every task or chore yourself, if it came to that.
11. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed by chores or tasks. You are free to postpone them or ask your spouse for help. Take a breather from time to time, especially when the task begins feeling mundane or boring. There are days when I can't get to things, and I am glad my wife is there to cover them.
12. Most importantly (in concert with #10), recognize your spouse for what they do. Appreciate them, thank them, applaud them for all that they do. This is the number one complaint among many wives: that they are never appreciated for the seemingly endless chores they do!
13. Understand that your spouse is not perfect. Don't expect perfect work. If you can improve on something, quietly do it without any raucous. As a team, you can make something better together. Conversely, don't take things personally if your work has been improved on. It's for the good of the both of you.

While there are marriages where such a conversation never arose (everybody knew their roles and responsibilities right away), a lot of us have had to sort through this issue and align our expectations to make things work. I wish tips like these had been covered in premarital counseling, in addition to many other useful concepts.

Cooking Experiments

Every 2-3 months, we like to do what I call "cooking experiments". This is a simple idea: we cook some food and make some drink we have never done, usually from another part of the world. We usually invite a few friends to participate, but we cover all associated costs for such an event. It is often an all-afternoon affair with an ulterior goal of getting to hang out with people we esteem or value, or new friends we'd like to get to know better. There is honesty around food and light chatter.

The experiment itself revolves around a theme. We've done parts of the world: Brazilian, Russian, Australian, Indian, and African, among others. Whichever theme we choose, we spend the week-of learning a thing or two about the culture and the food, and listening to music from the region, or queuing up movies or film about/from the area. We also look up native/traditional recipes (or staples) and assemble some options to choose from on the day of the event.

On the day of the event after our guests arrive, we consider the recipes and vote on a snack, main dish, dessert, and/or a drink to make that afternoon. Then we all go shopping for ingredients and then spend the afternoon preparing the food. Background music is according to theme, and will fix time for the movie or film selection (either while we eat or while we wait for the food to cook). We talk about that region and anything interesting we might have learned, whatever. Once, some guests even dressed up to the occasion in attire befitting the theme! These are fun events.

I started doing this tradition 4 years ago; my wife has only been around for three such events. It started for me as a way to learn how to cook well, where I enlisted friends to help me out. Participants enjoyed it, so we decided to do it regularly. We used to have games too, but because of how involved the cooking can get, there is seldom any time for that.We plan to keep this tradition alive for as long as we can, hosting various people from time to time.

Where We Live

We've lived in this neighborhood for over a year now, and plan to stay for another 1-2 years, God-willing, or until we can afford to buy a house. This is by far the nicest apartment we have lived in, a gated community and all. Ours in a medium-sized 2-bedroom apartment on the third floor, with most of the amenities we were looking for in an apartment -- our own A/C unit, own water heating unit, dishwasher, laundry washer and dryer, space (extra room), thick walls, quiet neighborhood, proximity to both our workplaces, swimming pool and hot tub and clubhouse, and good water flow from our faucets, among other things. The only thing we didn't get (and actually don't need) is a fireplace. We've grown to like this place.

No apartment is perfect, however. Within the first few months of moving in, some things irked us:

1. Similar places in this part of town are a little less expensive.
2. High utility bills in the $100-$200 range. The bill lists electricity and gas used administratively/communally (e.g. to keep the pool warm or run security lights around the complex), wind energy investment (a rip-off, in my opinion), water, sewage, and trash. In addition to that, you also pay separately the city utility company for electricity and gas (around $70 tops). We really can't do anything to reduce the utility cost because it is shared by all residents and follows some protocol in how they determine which apartments pay how much.
3. Parking! It seems to me that there are are more apartment units than parking spots, so it is not uncommon to park outside the fence on side roads or 2 apartment blocks away from where you live. Garages run $80/month while covered parking with cost about $35/month.

Other than that, this is a really nice place to live. The grounds are well-kept and maintenance service is prompt. It is close enough to the Interstate, grocery shopping is within walking distance, outdoor opportunities nearby, church and work (mine) very close. It is comfortable living, and we are thankful to God for it.

Mattress Etiquette

I have a strange habit that many find odd: I enjoy sleeping on bare carpet. Something about how unconvetional it is, or maybe the firmness it offers. It could also be because when I lived in Africa, my bedding wasn't any better and my body acclimated to such conditions. In any case, it is not rare to find me happily passed out on my home office carpet. I often joke that if my wife were to send me to the dog house, she wouldn't have many options -- the couch is an upgrade from the carpet.

So for a long time I did not care about our bedding until she began complaining of back pain and uncomfortable sleep. The bedding we have is over 10 years old, from my late teens. Although I bought the mattress new back then, the rest of the bedding was concocted from throw-aways. About time we considered something more suitable for this stage of life.

Bedding is not cheap and the array of choices is dizzying! I honestly do not perceive the difference in sleep quality between a $900 and a $2500 mattress. Especially that it is recommended to change bedding every 5-7 years, you need not break the bank. So the first thing is deciding how much you want to spend. Other choices: spring vs. foam, adjustable or not, pillow-top or none, firm or plush, queen or king size, bedframe or platform, and whether you get the bed set or just the mattress. Most stores charge for delivery and a disposal fee if you want them to discard your old crap. You should ensure a manufacturer warranty of 7-10 years and a generous return policy if it so happens that your new mattress doesn't live up to expectations. I know the brand we got has a lot of negative reviews, so there might be occasion for return. We got both a bed set and frame for under $1000, delivered, from American Furniture Warehouse, which has a back-to-school sale this weekend. Other smaller stores had good choices too, but markedly more expensive than the package we got at American Furniture.

6-Week Programming Marathon

Now in the sixth month of development, I'd like to see my latest big project LeafCompass.com wrapped up the sooner the better. It is beginning to feel like I have been at it too long, that I need a fresh and new pursuit. My wild target to complete all contractual obligations by September 30 does not seem too far-fetched, but it will require a lot of effort, drive, and commitment. With those at hand, I am ready to enter what I call a "programming marathon" - where I pour everything I have into software development in order to churn out more features in the shortest possible time.

The next 6 weeks will not be fun - especially for my wife. Whenever I've had such marathons, she's observed that I get too consumed with the projects and leave nothing for her and the marriage (and rightly so). So I am treading carefully this time, both to make sure I am fully present at home and to lay a framework for how I will handle future marathons, if needed, without letting the marriage dynamic suffer. I'm all about experimentation to learn new ways of doing things.

So what actually happens during these marathons? Programming a ton. Little sleep. Junk food. All-nighters. No social life. No exercise. No TV shows. No drum practice. Background music all the time. Coffee. Heavily-chalked blackboard with visualizations of various ideas. Odd sleep hours. Any moment you don't have to be anywhere else, you spend working on the program. Non-stop. It's not fun, but I always get a ton of work done. This little habit saw me through college. I'm one of those guys that could do two all-nighters before the final exam and still pass the class having not attended most of it throughout the semester. In six weeks, we'll know whether I still got the mojo.

Summers Baby Shower

One of my wife's joys is hosting other people in our home. Because of that, we always try to have different people over about once a month for dinner, cooking experiment or games. But last weekend we had the awesome opportunity to host one of my sister's baby showers. Small and intimate, with good food, music, and people, it was a blessing to celebrate with them. They are expecting a girl come late October.

Might I say that this is the first baby shower I ever attended? I was quite apprehensive about the presence of men at such an event, given that it is predominantly a women's thing. But no harm done, there were a few of us and we all survived.

Breakfast and Devotionals

Avalon, Catalina Island, CA

On the third day of our marriage (during our honeymoon on Catalina Island, CA), we were listening to a reading of the Bible off the YouVersion Bible app on my phone when breakfast was delivered and setup in our room. While we ate, we listened some more and discussed the chapter. We liked how natural it felt doing devotionals during breakfast, that we decided to adopt the idea as our first family tradition going forward.

This special morning tradition also gives us an opportunity for face time each day, no matter how busy the rest of the day may go. We use the time to update each other on plans for the day, and hear news or whatever we may have learned recently worth sharing. Mostly though, we go through a devotional guide together and have prayers before we head out into the world. Whenever we can't make it some days, we still study the devotionals on our own. It is a right way to start the day -- with food and God.

Studying: WordPress

I've been waiting more than a year to begin upgrading my WordPress skills. At this point, I am interested in learning enough of this versatile platform to be able to develop themes, plugins, and sophisticated websites on WordPress.

I have three goals with this study, which I expect to last 1-2 months:

1. Be able to develop dynamic websites that use real-time and other sources of data from an Enterprise Service Bus. This is mostly for work, where we need a replacement for the wiki system. Content would be generated and posted from automation tools and other external processes.
2. Be able to develop entire websites in WordPress, coupled with a Java or Perl back-end or web services with SOAP. I would like to create technical publishing services this way.
3. Learn to design themes, develop plugins, and work comfortably with WordPress under-the-hood. Is programmatic full-access to a WordPress installation even possible? We'll find out.

This is the first of 3 books I will be reading, unless I find out soon enough that I cannot meet my goals using WordPress. I realized it is aged (published in 2010), but it is a good starting point. More technical discussions shall be posted at http://blog.strive-ltd.com/.