Fertility Awareness, As It Were

It seems to me that fertility is a rarely-discussed subject even among couples, perhaps because it is a deeply personal matter or because it is taken for granted by most people as a fact of life. Or both. There is no species on this earth that does not reproduce somehow, so it is no surprise that for most of us, the question has always been "when" rather than "how". After all, the "how" was sufficiently covered in 6th grade and is the theme of many a television show. But I contend that what lies beyond the "when" is the most interesting part of the story.

Enter the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (Toni Weschler) back in June, and we learn about the Fertility Awareness Method (FAM), the all-natural family planning method. We realized that conception is a carefully designed process but with lots of opportunities to fail. In fact, I am impressed at how simultaneously simple and intricate it is (engineering perspective) that I marveled at how awesome God works (still). I also realize that I knew very little about the physiology of conception, the avalanche of events that must happen predictably for anyone to get pregnant. It's actually quite a beautiful story, one short of a miracle.

So we become FAM converts and started the usual rituals: BBT charting and observation of other fertility signs. It is actually quite fun understanding how our particular situation works, but after 3 months the observations indicated possible fertility problems. This is how we initially discovered our infertility, and it prompted us to seek professional diagnosis right away. The clinical definition of infertility would have required us to wait a year before visiting a specialist for diagnosis, but we didn't see the point of that. Had we not been practicing FAM, I believe we would never have discovered that we will face infertility. From what we had learned, we also know that the majority of infertility causes are treatable. Hope!

Until you've experienced infertility, you won't know that 11% of women 15-44 are chronically infertile or not able to carry a pregnancy to term. You won't know that 1 in 8 couples struggle with fertility issues, according to Resolve. You won't know the personal and emotional toll it takes on a marriage. You might not even notice how many women out there are pregnant, or that there seems to be so many babies everywhere you go. An apparent prejudice will cross your mind: how is it that people who don't want kids get them (easily) anyway, and those who really want them must move mountains first?  You also won't know about the billion-dollar industry around infertility, complete with physician portals and big pharma, supplements and medications, various unmentionable aids and tests, websites and software, books and guides, and classes. There are numerous support and discussion communities for whatever your flavor of infertility is.

But it will expose you to three important topics: surrogacy, medical interventions (IVFs, etc) and adoption, should your treatments not work. These are perhaps the first big discussions we have had in our marriage, and I am glad we have had the opportunity to consider them.

To Practice Patience

We've always talked about expanding our family, and on our second wedding anniversary we finally commited to the idea. We thought it would happen in the next couple of months, as easily as everything else we had set our minds to achieve. But a few months later, it became clear that in fact we were facing some kind of infertility. We were obviously disappointed and in disbelief; our plans were being derailed and we had no control over the situation.

In the dispair of that realization, two things echoed in my mind: hard decisions, and patience. I could handle challenging decisions anytime but could not just "be" patient. Contrary to what everyone believes, I think patience is only the final state of a deliberate process -- that you can't just go there. So I resolved to pursue patience as a means of dealing not only with infertility, but with other challenges that will come my way.

So how do you actually practice patience? The list below isn't the gold standard or comprehensive, but it has been tremendous in helping me achieving patience.

1. Learn God's truth. I find Matt.6:25-34 helpful in dealing with worry. Hab.2:3, Psa.24:17, Eccl.8:6, and the discourse in Gen.18:14 show me that there is a time for everything and that God is in control. Thus the anthems of my prayers have been to not be anxious and to trust in God's timing. Really, whatever His will, it will happen.
   
2. Be patient with yourself. I am used to getting things done in a predictable manner and able to compensate for reasonable deviations. For this situation though, I cannot beat myself up for somehow having missed the mark. So I resist urges to quickly develop or implement plan B or plan C or plan D (which I usually have, by the way). I literally never start doing anything big without a couple of backup plans.
   
3. Be patient with your spouse. There will be the temptation to blame your spouse, but you can always see this coming from a mile away. So the attitude to adopt right away is: infertility is our problem together, no matter who it is manifesting itself in. I now understand why some couples would rather not know who between them is responsible for their infertility.
   
4. Have hope. Faith without hope is a miserable state of being. You gain faith by knowledge, which in turn increases your faith. But an interesting by-product of the faith-knowledge cycle is hope. With hope derived from a strong and credible foundation, you can make it through anything.
   
5. Educate yourself. How do you actually "have hope"? Learn the truths of God's Word in your situation, and let them increase your faith (combines #1 and #4 above). But also learn as much as you can about your situation. I started with a simple "human infertility" Google search and read medical articles and research papers, as well as other people's experiences and opinions, on what can possibly lead to infertility. All that knowledge amounted to the hope that there is a way out of our situation, and that it is not as bad as we were imagining.
   
6. Isolate your laundry. Beware that the smallest of challenges can spill all over and stain the rest of your life. So we made deliberate efforts to keep fertility problems in their place and proceed with the rest of our marriage normally. Otherwise it was emotionally draining and beginning affecting our day-to-day life.

To achieve patience, you therefore must tame your worry and anxiety, exercise patience with yourself and your spouse, and foster hope from faith and knowledge of God's truths and the particulars of your situation. Surprisingly, I've also felt a certain peace and calm while I have practiced patience.

Netflix Buffering Problems

If your Netflix experience has been disappointing due to "Please Wait ... Buffering" problems -- sometimes several times during the same video, the fix might involve replacing your streaming device altogether. Before you take the plunge though:

(1) Make sure you are getting the speeds your ISP promised you. We get close to 50Mbps down/20Mbps up bandwidth, plenty for a great HD streaming experience. Test the speeds on wired devices (LAN), wireless devices (laptops), and smart phones for a more comprehensive result.

(2) Make sure your HSI modem and router are up to task. I found out I needed to update the firmware on my wireless router, and that I have a slightly older model of modem from Comcast. Even so, these impediments should not mean a poor streaming experience, but it helps to have them fixed.

(3) If you have a Sony Blueray/DVD player, dump it! The Internet is full of bad reviews of these devices in serving Netflix content. I've learned that Netflix content is routed via your streaming device's manufacturer's servers, and that Sony's servers are the bottleneck. On replacing this set-top with a Samsung variety, I no longer see the buffering problems, and the picture quality is better, even at peak times.

Thanksgiving Tradition (In The Works)

Don't worry, I won't be changing our Thanksgiving tradition. But I intend to add meaning to it somehow, and make it more consistent. It's a perk of being newly married that we can "customize" traditions and make them our own. We don't watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade or football, nor do we want it to be about binge eating and drunkenness. So how will a typical Thanksgiving go?

WEEK OF: We want to volunteer in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter, and participate in a food drive for those less fortunate. We also want to find someone that we can bless and give some reason to be thankful. There a lots of people that cannot be with their families, so we intend to extend an invitation to one or two to celebrate with us. There are other people that are simply struggling and would have an otherwise miserable holiday. The plan is to find one such person and make their week.

THURSDAY MORNING: Special brunch just for immediate family, a break from the oats and eggs we are used to. We'd also open the gratitude jar during brunch and read the notes accumulated over the past year. The gratitude jar is my wife's idea that throughout the year, we insert notes of blessings and gratefulness (par 1Thes.5:17-18), so we can remember God's provision and faithfulness.

Also that morning, my wife participates in the Turkey Trot, which is organized by the local YMCA. Proceeds from the fundraiser go to various causes, but more generally to sponsor low-income families to participate in YMCA programs.

THURSDAY AFTERNOON: Main meal with extended family, usually our parents. In odd years (2013, 2015, ...), we spend the holiday in Colorado. Even years (2014, 2016, ...), we shall be flying to Seattle, WA to spend it with her side of the family.
After the meal, we usually take a walk in some park close by, and get right into the desserts when we return. We then play board and card games, watch a holiday film, and pick names for Christmas gifting. Our tradition is that everyone will pick one name in the family for whom they will give a gift at Christmas (so you are not buying gifts for everyone).

THURSDAY NIGHT: Shopping for deals! Black Friday and Cyber Monday are great to finally get things we have been wanting, or Christmas gifts we intend to send to friends and family. This year hasn't been great on the deals, but we did get out and look around.

FRIDAY MORNING: The men do the Manitou Incline and will usually stop at a pizza parlor thereafter for lunch (Hell's Kitchen Pizza anyone?). This is the first time we've done this, and it turned out to be a wonderful experience. We are thinking it is a definite repeat.

From Lists To Time Blocks

I don't know how everyone manages their time, but I'm very much a lists guy. Almost everything I do in life entails a list of some kind. It is a great motivator to see crossed-off items, a sort of measure for progress.
Even with mobile to-do/task apps (where my lists live), I still started my day by writing down a list of everything I intend to do that day, complete with a start time and prioritization. Being the Christian guy I am, I then pray over the list before tackling the first item. By all accounts, the system was working for me.

Then 2 months ago I noticed that the more things I had on these lists, the more "pressure", resentment, and stress I felt (naturally). These feelings would be present all day long, and get worse the more items I failed to cross off or how much time I was off course. I'd end up less productive overall. It didn't matter how complex or simple the tasks were, my brain seemed to be fixated on the number of tasks and was getting overwhelmed. So I decided to simplify.

You start by diving the day into blocks of time: wee-hours (3-7am), morning (8-12pm), afternoon (1-5pm), evening (6-9pm). Those are the only times you'll be working on tasks. Notice how there are 1-hour gaps between them: that's when to do a distracting activity. I might go for a walk, go to the gym, play chess or words-with-friends, or watch a TV show.
As for the tasks, you pick only 2-3 for each time block (1 high priority item and 1-2 lesser ones), pushing the rest tentatively into the next day. I use a 3-2-3-2 pattern, allowing up to 10 tasks each day. So when each block of time starts, my brain only concerns itself with 2-3 things for the next 3-4 hours (no matter how complex they are). You start with the simplest one (usually whichever you think will require the least time or if pressing, the highest priority one), and must be okay with walking away from a task when its time is up.

Essentially you are tricking your brain into thinking it has a lot of time to accomplish a few tasks. But you will be surprised how much more productive you will be (the quality of work will be higher too). I think the implicit built-in reward system (the breaks between time blocks) and the illusion that fewer things need be done in so much time do the trick. When new tasks present, they take the next available block slot. Avoid the temptation of cramming things into the next block because they seem too important. There is nothing of this earth that cannot wait (attitude), except obvious emergencies.

Perhaps there is a study out there that examines efficient time management strategies for various brain types (laissez-faire types may not benefit as much as analytical/logical types like myself). Meanwhile though, I'm doing all my planning this way, and it *is* a lot simpler. With whatever time you spare up within each block, you can suck in another task from the postponed list or finish up a recent incomplete task.