Date Night No More

Every Christian marriage conference or premarital counseling program you attend will drive this point home: continue to date and pursue each other after the wedding day! Granted, dating your spouse is vastly different than when you were single, but it is worthwhile in keeping the marriage strong.

True to form, it gets complicated after the kids arrive, for three reasons: childcare, financing, and scheduling. Until Moses was 4 months old, we brought him along on our date night outings. When he got older, it was easy to drop him off at friends' houses on our way out. Eventually, a better arrangement emerged, where we enlisted another family to watch each other's kids once a month when we needed a night out. This worked well while it lasted, especially that we each had one child and the children were about the same age. These friends moved away to another state, halting our sweet dating program.
To make matters worse, we went and had another kid. Arrangements between families to watch each others' kids suffer when there are more kids per family to watch. And often, the more kids a family has, the better it is that childcare happen at their house, at least until the babies are older.

While family and friends can be helpful in enabling us go out once in a while, we do not want to impose on them or burden them with frequent requests for childcare. Indeed, a two-kid situation is a different dynamic than a single-kid one, and not many are prepared to handle it. Besides, it is too much of a hassle to shuttle the kids somewhere so you can go out for a couple of hours. Even if you can find a childcare provider that can handle this dynamic, they won't be cheap. A provider from care.com, for example, can charge upwards of $35/hour for two kids, effectively doubling or tripling your date night budget.

Further more, our current sleep routine does not favor night outings or other obligations after dusk. We also find that it is not worth it to interrupt our babies' evening schedules so we can get out and eat steak. The best scenario would be for someone to come to our house and do this evening routine with them while we are out on date night. Otherwise, we pay for it down the road in thrown-off sleep cycles and the effects of inconsistency, lessons learned from Moses.

So with all things considered, we decided to not do date night for a little while. Instead, we will do "date day" (need a better-sounding moniker): we'll schedule it on a day when the babies are at childcare, meaning it'll have to be during the day (most likely in the afternoon). Immediately, the time of day we go out on a date changes what it means, how it feels, what we can plan to do, and where we can go. It also means we both take an afternoon off work, which is in effect an additional cost, depending on how you look at it. We understand why many couples forgo the idea altogether, but we are determined to still make it work, as long as we can.

Appreciating Our Wedding Party

On April 03, 2011 these twelve friends saw us begin our journey into marriage. With our third wedding anniversary fast approaching, we wanted to pause and recognize them for the support they have continued to show us, and for being our biggest fans. After all, there was a part in our collective vows about them keeping tabs on us and making sure we were doing well. And we are doing well.

So during 2013 we dedicated a month to each one and specifically sent them our appreciation and best wishes. Thank you Evan*, Bobga, William, Chad, Alex, Jared, Kelsie*, Lydia, Melissa, Tamra, LaChelle, and Valarie. We are glad we can count on you anytime.

To Practice Patience

We've always talked about expanding our family, and on our second wedding anniversary we finally commited to the idea. We thought it would happen in the next couple of months, as easily as everything else we had set our minds to achieve. But a few months later, it became clear that in fact we were facing some kind of infertility. We were obviously disappointed and in disbelief; our plans were being derailed and we had no control over the situation.

In the dispair of that realization, two things echoed in my mind: hard decisions, and patience. I could handle challenging decisions anytime but could not just "be" patient. Contrary to what everyone believes, I think patience is only the final state of a deliberate process -- that you can't just go there. So I resolved to pursue patience as a means of dealing not only with infertility, but with other challenges that will come my way.

So how do you actually practice patience? The list below isn't the gold standard or comprehensive, but it has been tremendous in helping me achieving patience.

1. Learn God's truth. I find Matt.6:25-34 helpful in dealing with worry. Hab.2:3, Psa.24:17, Eccl.8:6, and the discourse in Gen.18:14 show me that there is a time for everything and that God is in control. Thus the anthems of my prayers have been to not be anxious and to trust in God's timing. Really, whatever His will, it will happen.
   
2. Be patient with yourself. I am used to getting things done in a predictable manner and able to compensate for reasonable deviations. For this situation though, I cannot beat myself up for somehow having missed the mark. So I resist urges to quickly develop or implement plan B or plan C or plan D (which I usually have, by the way). I literally never start doing anything big without a couple of backup plans.
   
3. Be patient with your spouse. There will be the temptation to blame your spouse, but you can always see this coming from a mile away. So the attitude to adopt right away is: infertility is our problem together, no matter who it is manifesting itself in. I now understand why some couples would rather not know who between them is responsible for their infertility.
   
4. Have hope. Faith without hope is a miserable state of being. You gain faith by knowledge, which in turn increases your faith. But an interesting by-product of the faith-knowledge cycle is hope. With hope derived from a strong and credible foundation, you can make it through anything.
   
5. Educate yourself. How do you actually "have hope"? Learn the truths of God's Word in your situation, and let them increase your faith (combines #1 and #4 above). But also learn as much as you can about your situation. I started with a simple "human infertility" Google search and read medical articles and research papers, as well as other people's experiences and opinions, on what can possibly lead to infertility. All that knowledge amounted to the hope that there is a way out of our situation, and that it is not as bad as we were imagining.
   
6. Isolate your laundry. Beware that the smallest of challenges can spill all over and stain the rest of your life. So we made deliberate efforts to keep fertility problems in their place and proceed with the rest of our marriage normally. Otherwise it was emotionally draining and beginning affecting our day-to-day life.

To achieve patience, you therefore must tame your worry and anxiety, exercise patience with yourself and your spouse, and foster hope from faith and knowledge of God's truths and the particulars of your situation. Surprisingly, I've also felt a certain peace and calm while I have practiced patience.

Taking a Musical Break

A majority of my friends know me in the context of music (I play bass guitar and drums), and they know I live and breathe music in all its variety. So it may sound strange that I am taking a break from that. The sad truth is that I am feeling the burnout and lack of skill growth on my instruments, and feel I should step back to rest and catch up.

The break is only about my public musical engagements. For any given week when I play at any church, for instance, I expect to spend about 18 hours in preparation and delivery. That week, I may download the songs and active-listen, practice on instrument against the original recordings, attend practice or rehearsals, practice again with set modifications, do scriptural review (music spiritual basis + sermon/series notes), personal "heart prep" (so I am in the right place spiritually to lead worship), and then play during the actual services. Sometimes there is travel involved. The preparation is a little different when I'm guesting in another band, as I have to learn their set and style. I've been fortunate to participate in everything from bar gigs to charity events and studio appearances. I enjoy the musical opportunities until the burnout arrives (now an annual thing, it seems), when you feel the passion slowly dying. You need rest from it before you lose it.

So until late January or early February 2014, I'll be on a sort of break. What shall I do with the freed up time? Well, my day job has already ramped up so I need the weekends for rest and recreation. During this break, I also want to work on improving my bass guitar and drums technique, so when I emerge I will be a better musician. I am also angling to work on completing my current 3 web development projects (LeafCompass, SKIVI, and Geldzin). Technically, I'll have improved skills in PHP/Symfony2, WordPress Theming, and HTML5/JQuery. True geek.

I'll perhaps cut off my dreadlocks (kidding!) and spend more time with my wife (truth). We are in such a season of our marriage that requires more presence and availability on my part, so I want to at least redesign and rehearse a new personal workflow centered around family life. It should also afford me a path to revitalize my business STRIVE, especially what services I want to offer next year. Lots of exciting things on the horizon!

To Do Something For Your Spouse

Like many marriages, we still have a few kinks to work out towards a "more perfect union". We are fortunate that we have not had seriously big issues on which we have disagreed, but the little ones can get on our nerves the more frequent they occur. So we decided to start addressing one at a time, with an eye to having a means of dealing with said issues more smoothly.

Our first target addresses what you ought to do (what your attitude ought to be) when your spouse asks you do to something for them. Simple, right? In our experience, while we do follow through on many occasions, sometimes things may not get done, or they may be done differently than we expected, or we may not even know what to expect and when. Those times, we end up with resentment, lack of trust or dependence, bad communication, or frustration about unmet expectations.

Our realizations (and "action plan", if I may say):

(1) Recognize that your spouse is inviting you into their world when they ask you to do something for them. Consider it an opportunity to build dependence, and to serve them. They say in marriage you must sacrifice; this is one opportunity to do exactly that.

(2) Learn to communicate urgent matters better. Communicating requests with the same intensity makes it understandably difficult to prioritize urgent ones.

(3) Respond to every request quickly. Silence is not a response. Feel free to say "No" or "Yes" and without feeling bad about your response. Whatever response is given, it is acceptable, without further manipulation.

(4) If the response is "No", you owe your spouse at least a reason why you can't do what they are asking. This provides resolution. Nothing need be argued about, the reason should be good enough at face value. Now, beware that too many (always) refusals communicate something else to your spouse (do you just hate doing anything for them?). A lot of times, a workable compromise exists to allow you to get things done, such as being able to relieve you of some commitments.

(5) If the response is "Yes", you ought to at least accompany that with when you might get things done. Most requests can be deferred to another day or week, depending, so there should never be pressure to get things done right away. An ETA also provides resolution by setting an expectation and grounds for accountability.

(6) If your spouse hasn't done what you asked them to do when they said they would be done, it's not time to attack with nasty labels and name-calling. Gently bring them to accountability for their commitment: how far have they gone with the request, are there any problems getting things done, if they need any help. Your chance to exercise grace.

(7) The feedback loop: even if it is plainly evident that you have done what was asked of you, you should endeavor to let your spouse know you got things done -- verbally. This provides closure/resolution and an opportunity to discuss the experience (and exchange favors!).

(8) For independent types like myself who default to wanting to get everything done ourselves, here's a chance to learn to request help and be vulnerable, and be content with what our spouse delivers: it is guaranteed to be different than how we would do it, but we learn to consider an alternative perspective anyway.

What is all boils down to, really, is communication. What we do for each other is ultimately communication. I personally think the best way to address communication in marriage is to consider its various facets piecemeal; here we picked just one thing we think we can do better at, before it blows up. The issue is not resolved until we've practiced these ideas consistently for a while. It is always good to talk and develop your own way of handling things, but the challenge is follow-through.

How Not To Travel

For our second wedding anniversary, we went to Seattle, WA where she is from. We would spend a wonderful time there meeting her friends and family, and relaxing in downtown Seattle. Getting there, though, was a textbook case of how not to travel. A chronology of events on the outbound leg of the trip:

• Day before: I work a long 21 hours, returning home at three on the morning of travel. The kind of tiredness and brain drain is indescribable, so I plan to nap for an hour but do not hear the alarm at all. We are starting the day an hour late.
• 0500a: we shuffle through the morning, a foggy drive to the airport with poor visibility.
• 0530a: airline informs us we are too late to check in for our 6am flights. The rep, who we think doesn't quite know what she is doing, books us on a 7am flight.
• 0600a: we discover that our camera's battery is completely drained. Out goes the plan to document our trip in pictures. I return the camera and lenses to the car in long-term parking.
• 0700a: during boarding, she is pulled off the flight because her seat actually belongs to someone else. We decide that I should proceed while they try to book her on another flight.
• 1000a: her flight from COS is delayed until 3pm. I am in DEN at this time, trying to figure out how we can get back on the same flight to SEA. No chance, unless we decided to get on a 6pm flight from DEN.
• 0200p: I arrive in SEA and grab our bags. Outside of the security zone, there's nowhere to eat or chill, except for packed coffee shops. My diet all day is fluids (coffee and smoothies), not knowing there is food in our bags.
• I practically walk the entire unsecured zone of the SEA airport looking for a place to charge my phone, eat a good meal, conduct some business, and buy her flowers (the least I could do, right?).
• 0300p: her flight from COS is delayed again until 5pm because of mechanical problems.
• 0500p: she finally takes flight from COS to DEN and then on to SEA, after spending practically all day in the airports.
• 0800p: her parents pick us up from the airport and we settle into the apartment where we'll stay for a week. But there is still a problem: we are so hungry.
• 0930p: we roam downtown Seattle looking for a quick meal. It's soggy and rainy, hardly comfortable for a fancy dinner suitable for such a day. We end up in this bar, and our anniversary meal is chicken wings, fries, burgers, and beer. It's like an awkward 5th date.

That it all happened on our anniversary makes it worse. I would be pissed off too at how it all unfolded, and justifiably so. This was all my fault, a miscalculation and poor management of the day before travel (granted, some of it out of my control). Had it gone as planned, we would have arrived in SEA around 10am and had the evening to celebrate.

Routine: 8 A.M.

On weekdays, 8am means work! Lunchboxes are loaded because we don't eat out much anymore. Laptops fire up when we work from home. Early morning conference calls are conducted on our mobile phones because no one goes to work that early just for a meeting. Cars are warmed up for the short trips to work. A typical American workday is in full swing.

I work only about 6 minutes drive from home. The short distance was one consideration for living in this part of town. At work, my responsibilities span anywhere from writing web services and scripts, to responding to support and admin tickets, to managing licensing and a hybrid environment of disparate services, to managing the technical aspects of projects and product releases, and facilitating the movement of business data/reporting. For the next 8-10 hours, I wear the geek hat.

She works 15 minutes drive up the interstate, supporting a team of web developers as an admin, updating websites and other resources for child sponsorship, processing contracts, and facilitating meetings or events. That both our jobs are flexible is one perk, but the benefits and stability are definitely welcome. We are aware of the difficulty finding work these days, so we don't take what we have for granted.

An hour before the workday starts, we have breakfast and devotionals as we have done since our wedding day. It's pretty common now that breakfast is the only meal we can count on eating together because of various other evening obligations. We tried doing lunch once a month together but it didn't quite work out. Six o'clock brings us back home for much needed unwinding. Ours is still a very simple life indeed.

Routine: 5 A.M.

Three hours after I wake up, the world around me begins to stir from their sleep. You hear more cars leaving the apartment complex or cruising on the nearby street, and chatter beyond the neighbors' walls. The relative peace of early morning begins to evaporate. My wife awakes about an hour later and goes about her workout and preparations for the day.

At 5AM, I study for a couple of hours whatever topic is of interest that month. This month, for example, has been all about Apache HTTP Server on odd days of the week, and French (language) on even days. Although I'll continue studying French until April or May, the next few months will also touch on jQuery Mobile, Sencha Touch, and the topic of responsive web design. The question is how much I can learn in a month (or thereabouts) about something specific, and the goal is to learn enough to be able to apply the knowledge in my current environment. This is how I am able to keep abreast on so many topics throughout the year.

The Year That Was 2012

Is it me, or did 2012 zip by way too fast? Here on its last day, we think back to what were the highlights of the year. First of all, we are utterly grateful to our God for having seen us through another year without any hiccups. Our union has grown stronger in spite of flares here and there, as is common in any marriage. Reflecting on the concluding year, the theme seems to have been "settle": we finally got a lot of things right or in place and grew comfortable in our roles as married people.

There were no major events in our lives this year, but a few of note:

• We both maintained our current employment. We continue to be thankful for the benefits and flexibility the jobs offer us, and that they finance our livelihood comfortably.
• SHE run a 5K marathon for the first time -- the Turkey Trot, with her friends.
• We started attending a married couples' Bible study every other week, where we fellowship over soup and wine. It is awesome to learn from others that have been married a little longer than us.
• HE acheived his 10-year employment milestone at his current job, and is eligible to take a 5-week sabattical anytime. Maybe some travel is in order.
• SHE continued to work with high school girls from church as a leader of a weekly Bible study group.
• We hosted numerous friends for dinner almost every month (the Meyers, the Weeks, the Danjumas, the Sears, the Clarks, the Sterns, our friends Kelly+Seth, a baby shower for the Summers, the Kitikats, the Baileys). I mentioned our hosting tradition in previous posts.
• We also hosted our second Christmas Brunch and Hangout on Christmas day. Basically, we prepare a hearty brunch for family and friends at our house and hang out later for games, movies, hikes, or hot-tubbing, among other things. It's a tradition we intend to maintain going forward.
• We've continued to do our cooking experiments. This year we did some Russian and Australian/New Zealand dishes, and quite a few African foods. I still need to learn to make kebabs properly to totally disconnect my dependence on that Ghanian lady that I buy African food from a lot.
• We went camping in Wyoming for a week with our friends the Schiefs and the Weeks. Aside from the unfortunate event while white-water rafting, it was good times being away for a little while.
• HIS cousin Venex visited from Uganda. After 14 years without seeing each other, it was good to catch up in person and get updated about the situation back in Uganda.
• Our newest niece Emma was born! We hosted her baby shower back in August.
• For three weeks, we did not need to buy juice: we had a lot of fresh-pressed apple cider from the Totems farm, where we had gone to help prepare it one weekend.
• We celebrated our anniverssary in Estes Park, Colorado. We intend to celebrate our anniversaries in a different state each year (or so we think for now).
• We worked out to the tune of "Insanity", "P90X", and other BeachBody.com DVDs. SHE has been more religious about exercise than HE.
• HE started working a big project (leafcompass.com) through his business, alongside completion of several other small projects. This year, it's become clear that his small business is viable and worth developing into a self-employment venture.
• HE officially became a drummer, able to play whole church services. He still plays bass guitar at their home church. She still has not picked up guitar.
• We officially dove into the world of financial investments, staking half of our emergency fund into municiple bonds. There is interest to do mutual funds and even riskier stocks.
• We ramped up our plans to complete our house in Uganda, currently ready for a painting and furnishing phase. We'll have two residences -- in the US and in Uganda as needed (where his family is).
• We visited our mentors the Hunters in Kentucky. We intend this to be an annual trek, if possible. They ooze wisdom and insight, and we appreciate that they can share their lives with us.
• We started our monthly date nights. Yes, we dress up and go have a fancy meal somewhere exotic. Highly recommended for all couples, to take a break once in a while and go enjoy yourselves. The idea of lunch dates every couple of weeks didn't quite catch on.
• SHE visited Las Vegas for a bridal shower, and then Washigton state for the wedding of her friends. Lots of travel this year.
• HER friends Shannette and Victoria visited us. Speaking of visitors, we need to find a better air mattress that can hold its own the whole weekend. We've returned air mattresses three times this year.
• The Waldo Canyon fire affected us too: we self-evacuated when most of our neighbors were given evacuation orders and the smoke was too thick around our apartment complex. We were out for 3 days, but we did not lose any property.
• Losses that affected us profoundly: one of his groomsmen lost his wife, and another lost their unborn child. This hit too close to home, the saddest moments of the year.

 We live very simple lives and are thankful for each day His mercies are renewed for us. With much vigor and expectation, we look forward to 2013.

Quabling About Chores

In every marriage, there is the inevitable discussion about chores and who does what around the home, usually early on in the marriage. Who is responsible for the cars, finances, trash, cleaning, food and groceries, laundry, and dishes, especially when both of you are income earners? We've had a couple such discussions ourselves, and have learned some important principles as we worked through those conflicts. Here we go with the lessons learned:

1. Know what chores or tasks need to be done around the home. Be an expert in that domain, such that if you are responsible for your cars, you are always on top of the game that your wife doesn't have to worry about how the cars are doing.
2. Know that there will always be things to do, and they will change over time. And know that no one outside the marriage will do these things for you -- one of you will have to. This is for a long haul.
3. Know that you are equally entitled to any of the chores, good or bad, but that whoever is better at some task should preferably take ownership of it. It'll make the grind easier. So if she is better at managing finances than I am, there no good reason why I should insist on handling that task.
4. Understand that you each have to put 100% effort into doing whatever you do. Marriage teamwork demands that 100% plus 100% equal a collective 100%. Weird math. There a beauty here though: when one of you cannot do their part, you still have 100% coverage.
5. Have an attitude of service when you do your appointed tasks. That is how you serve your spouse, sacrificially. It helps to remember this when you are doing something you particularly hate doing.
6. Find a certain contentment in what you do, and seek out opportunities to get better at it or grow. Someday perhaps I'll figure out a way to dispose of trash without having to carry it to the trash bin downstairs. Using lasers maybe.
7. Recognize that your spouse may go about certain tasks in ways you find strange, inefficient, or incredible. Don't impose your way of doing things on them; be glad that they are doing the task at all. Let them totally own the tasks, including when they choose to do those tasks.
8. Be open to critique from your spouse, if it is meant to help you do your task or chore better. You can learn a thing or two and make life easier by sharing tips about how to do things and experiences. If you constantly don't like how/what they do, better do it yourself next time.
9. If you have done a chore to the best of your effort, find contentment in that. Don't sweat what you didn't know could be done to improve your task or do it easier. If it is sufficient, that's all you need to do.
10. Strive to understand what chores or tasks your spouse does. You will know when you can help her out from time to time, or how to do those tasks when she is not able to. Ideally, you should be able to do every task or chore yourself, if it came to that.
11. Don't let yourself be overwhelmed by chores or tasks. You are free to postpone them or ask your spouse for help. Take a breather from time to time, especially when the task begins feeling mundane or boring. There are days when I can't get to things, and I am glad my wife is there to cover them.
12. Most importantly (in concert with #10), recognize your spouse for what they do. Appreciate them, thank them, applaud them for all that they do. This is the number one complaint among many wives: that they are never appreciated for the seemingly endless chores they do!
13. Understand that your spouse is not perfect. Don't expect perfect work. If you can improve on something, quietly do it without any raucous. As a team, you can make something better together. Conversely, don't take things personally if your work has been improved on. It's for the good of the both of you.

While there are marriages where such a conversation never arose (everybody knew their roles and responsibilities right away), a lot of us have had to sort through this issue and align our expectations to make things work. I wish tips like these had been covered in premarital counseling, in addition to many other useful concepts.

Private Study Time

Unless you are a student or taking correspondence courses, or unless it was already an important habit, many newly married people seldom study or do diligent research. Is private study an essential component of a marriage life? How much time should be spent on such an activity? What kinds of things should be studied?

I think each marriage ought to encourage and facilitate private study time, where each individual can pursue topics of their interest for personal enrichment. Learning does not end when you get married: in fact, it ought to increase as you understand your spouse better, and as you grow individually. I, for example, love to learn. If I have not learned anything new recently about my wife, my job, my community, politics, or even nature, life feels quite stagnant and hopeless. Beyond that, everyone finds themselves from time-to-time in unfamiliar situations; it is worth doing some research on the subject to make better decisions.

It need not be long hours of study: 2-3 hours each morning before breakfast serves me well. My wife likes reading before bed for an hour or so. Whatever works, remain consistent. Feel free to explore a wide variety of topics, including those you wouldn't naturally be inclined to read up on. By knowing what your spouse is studying or reading, you will understand their interests and perspective better and see ways to support them if something triggers some action or project.

Lately, my study time has been consumed with technology/computing study or programming (usually a book on some skill I'd like to get better at), religious and Bible study (such as apologetics or books by Christian authors), or general research on everything from politics to nature, and travel destinations to health and food. Whenever we make big plans, we always do some research to inform our decision. It helps a lot to be in the know about things that matter.

Sleep Compromise

What do you do when he only needs 4-5 hours of sleep, and she needs 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep? You work out a compromise: go to bed at the same time. What if your typical bed times are different? As a bachelor, I got used to bedtimes just after midnight; my wife, on the other hand, would rather be in bed by 9pm. So we came up with another compromise: bedtime around 10pm. Small victory.

The only catch is that a 10pm bedtime means I will be up before 3am. I can use those 4 hours before breakfast to study or do some software development, but an early day sometimes means I am worn out early in the afternoon. The current solution is to take a power nap around lunch time in order to remain productive/functional throughout the day. This requires being very intentional and not getting absorbed into the busyness that you fail to take care of yourself.