Not two months after we got married, the persistent question we were asked most was when kids would arrive. As in: you meet, you date, you marry, and then kids soon after. But we had decided to wait 1-2 years before considering a family. Returning to the question this year, we explored it from a slightly different perspective: are we ready to have kids at all, and if so, how many? Can we even have kids (you'd be surprised how widespread infertility is), and how soon? How about adoption? Some exciting yet difficult conversations, definitely.
There is no question that we want to have kids. How many? A compromise at 3, God willing. She comes from a small family (2+2) whereas I come from a larger family (6+3), so our initial tendencies were along those lines. We also would like to adopt a child, if we are able to down the road. We recognize though that however and whenever the kids arrive, they will be gifts from God and our responsibilites multiply ten-fold. But are we ready for all that?
How do you even know you are ready for all that anyway? Finances because kids are expensive. Grown up because you just invited ninety-nine problems. Strong relationship because that's how you will get through insane times together. Time because you must be there for them no matter what and it's no longer about you. Well-wishers because it takes a village to raise a child. Health because sick begets sick. I'm sure there are many more.
Now the hard part: if for whatever reason we cannot naturally have kids, we decided we would consider some medical intervention but not beyond what is reasonable and common (and affordable). With these things, you just never know. I think it would also hasten our plans for adoption. As exciting as envisioning a full family is, the mental and emotional preparation for undesired circumstances is quite excrutiating. I'm a big planner, but with these things, there isn't a solid good plan. God is in control, right?
While we resolve some final details and prepare ourselves for this journey, we are very much aware that big decisions and challenges like we've never seen await us (should we be scared?). The compass has turned, it's a matter of time now and the 5-year plan is in place.
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Different Shopping Habits
Like when I shop according to a grocery list, I won't bring home anything that is not on the list. But she does, sometimes to take advantage of a good sale or an impulse purchase that was hard to resist. With my way, we miss out on last-minute deals discovered at the grocery store; with her way, we almost certainly go over-budget or end up with food we can't use before it goes bad. No one way is better, but they are fundamentally different.
Or like when my minimalist tendencies cause me to favor having the means to get things only when we need them, rather than her tendency to attain things in case we will need them. This difference in perspective means we consider material possessions differently.
Or like when she does all the shopping in half the time it would take me. She's learned her way around the grocery store, optimizing the shopping list so she walks the shortest route in the aisles. I'm a multi-pass guy and don't mind bouncing from end to end in the store, as long as I find what I need. Her way is better.
Or like when I have ideas to "modernize" our grocery shopping with the latest apps: ones that allow procuring of shopping lists based on recipes, provide coupons and deals, allow you to plan your meals, rate and recommend recipes, provide price comparisons, and count your calories. (I'm still looking for such an app, if it exists). She won't entertain any of this. Her way of good old paper-and-pen is more practical, but I hold out hope she'll see the light someday.
Or like when we squabble about what to actually buy. We did this experiment once where we decided to go grocery shopping without a list -- the idea was to decide everything at the store. To say the least, we drove back home pissed off at each other, and having spent way more than we planned. Two other joint shopping trips later, we concluded we have "irreconcilable differences" in shopping intelligence and decision-making, that it would be best for just one of us to go alone when it is needed.
You can agree to disagree on non-essentials, and that can be the normal for your marriage. Shopping is trivial, but there are bigger issues where "agree to disagree" is a harmonious solution. No need to work against the grain to force your perspectives onto the same page.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Vacation In Wyoming
As we have done for 3 years (7 years for me), each summer we head to the wilderness that is the Grand Tetons area of north-west Wyoming for some camping and fellowship. Morningstar Camp is a Christian family outreach run by Jonathan LaBenne for more than 15 years, hosting up to 400 people over its 2-week span this year. About midway between Jackson Hole and Yellowstone National Park is where this perfect vacation getaway happens.
We usually attend for up to 6 days, during which there is no shortage of activities to do. There is horseback riding, white water rafting, hiking, scenic tours. Jackson Hole is 20 minutes away and so is Yellowstone National Park. I've hiked to one of the Grand Tetons peaks (very challenging). Once a week, there is a visit to the Bar-J Chuckwagon Wranglers joint and an evening designated "talent night" when participants share music, poetry, and other items to encourage and edify the body. Throughout the week, some people share their hobbies: this is how I learned about guns and shooting, and you don't want to hear about my total failure at fishing (twice). My wife and I usually sneak in a date night in town and invite one of our good couple friends to join us.
On camp grounds, there are games (volleyball, ping-pong, chess, and cards), cooked morning and evening meals (thank you Del Monte Meats), and hot showers; nothing like any other camping experience. Most of all, it is free. I am sure it is a hefty financial undertaking so it should go without mention that anonymous donations are welcome.
Probably the best part of this experience are the people. We have made many lasting friends and enjoyed meeting new people from various walks of life. They come from all over the US to attend, a few from out of the country. Most attendants are conservative Christian of the Brethren fellowship (or its derivative). Even so, anyone is welcome to attend (except break bread, of course) and if anyone were to accept Christ, baptisms can be done in the nearby rivers. Twice a day, there are "sings" (music), in which I wholeheartedly participate on the bass guitar or percussion. Discussions and teaching on contemporary and biblical issues is a core camp activity, originated from questions fielded to elders and a biblical theme/topic chosen for that year.
At the conclusion of our trip, we made a detour to Cody, WY to visit some friends of ours. The only drama on the trip happened on this leg: we lost 3 hours of driving time on an unusable route across the mountains that our GPS urged us to follow. We should have known better by all the clues -- we were the only vehicle on this road, wildlife was abundant, and there were weeds and shrubs growing right on the tarmac. Eventually the paved road turned into dirt and we knew something was wrong. We later learned the road had been damaged and closed after a mountain wildfire a few years ago. Somehow the latest Garmin and Google maps still consider it usable.
Our 8-day vacation concluded on July 4th (Independence Day) in Cody with fireworks and a night out on the town with friends. Ten hours (one-way) and 2000 miles roundtrip later, we were back home to our busy lives. This trip cost us less than $400 in total. Worth it in every sense.
We usually attend for up to 6 days, during which there is no shortage of activities to do. There is horseback riding, white water rafting, hiking, scenic tours. Jackson Hole is 20 minutes away and so is Yellowstone National Park. I've hiked to one of the Grand Tetons peaks (very challenging). Once a week, there is a visit to the Bar-J Chuckwagon Wranglers joint and an evening designated "talent night" when participants share music, poetry, and other items to encourage and edify the body. Throughout the week, some people share their hobbies: this is how I learned about guns and shooting, and you don't want to hear about my total failure at fishing (twice). My wife and I usually sneak in a date night in town and invite one of our good couple friends to join us.
On camp grounds, there are games (volleyball, ping-pong, chess, and cards), cooked morning and evening meals (thank you Del Monte Meats), and hot showers; nothing like any other camping experience. Most of all, it is free. I am sure it is a hefty financial undertaking so it should go without mention that anonymous donations are welcome.
Probably the best part of this experience are the people. We have made many lasting friends and enjoyed meeting new people from various walks of life. They come from all over the US to attend, a few from out of the country. Most attendants are conservative Christian of the Brethren fellowship (or its derivative). Even so, anyone is welcome to attend (except break bread, of course) and if anyone were to accept Christ, baptisms can be done in the nearby rivers. Twice a day, there are "sings" (music), in which I wholeheartedly participate on the bass guitar or percussion. Discussions and teaching on contemporary and biblical issues is a core camp activity, originated from questions fielded to elders and a biblical theme/topic chosen for that year.
At the conclusion of our trip, we made a detour to Cody, WY to visit some friends of ours. The only drama on the trip happened on this leg: we lost 3 hours of driving time on an unusable route across the mountains that our GPS urged us to follow. We should have known better by all the clues -- we were the only vehicle on this road, wildlife was abundant, and there were weeds and shrubs growing right on the tarmac. Eventually the paved road turned into dirt and we knew something was wrong. We later learned the road had been damaged and closed after a mountain wildfire a few years ago. Somehow the latest Garmin and Google maps still consider it usable.
Our 8-day vacation concluded on July 4th (Independence Day) in Cody with fireworks and a night out on the town with friends. Ten hours (one-way) and 2000 miles roundtrip later, we were back home to our busy lives. This trip cost us less than $400 in total. Worth it in every sense.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
The Half-Read Habit
By all accounts, I am a lifetime learner. I read a lot. I study and research a lot. I even give myself homework. Most of my reading is technical throughout the year (about computing, security, algorithms, and systems engineering) because most of it applies directly to my career/work.
But I am also interested in religion, philosophy and general science, so I diverge into these topics from time to time. The emerging trend is that I never finish the books I start reading, a bad habit that irks my wife; why would anyone start reading new books with so many others unfinished? How do you even maintain continuity in a jumble like that? You don't even want to know what my wish list looks like on Amazon.
So my summer pledge is to finish the books I already have (paperbacks first, then electronic) before I buy another book. And the trend is towards electronic books and less paperbacks.
But I am also interested in religion, philosophy and general science, so I diverge into these topics from time to time. The emerging trend is that I never finish the books I start reading, a bad habit that irks my wife; why would anyone start reading new books with so many others unfinished? How do you even maintain continuity in a jumble like that? You don't even want to know what my wish list looks like on Amazon.
So my summer pledge is to finish the books I already have (paperbacks first, then electronic) before I buy another book. And the trend is towards electronic books and less paperbacks.
Monday, June 17, 2013
To Do Something For Your Spouse
Like many marriages, we still have a few kinks to work out towards a "more perfect union". We are fortunate that we have not had seriously big issues on which we have disagreed, but the little ones can get on our nerves the more frequent they occur. So we decided to start addressing one at a time, with an eye to having a means of dealing with said issues more smoothly.
Our first target addresses what you ought to do (what your attitude ought to be) when your spouse asks you do to something for them. Simple, right? In our experience, while we do follow through on many occasions, sometimes things may not get done, or they may be done differently than we expected, or we may not even know what to expect and when. Those times, we end up with resentment, lack of trust or dependence, bad communication, or frustration about unmet expectations.
Our realizations (and "action plan", if I may say):
(1) Recognize that your spouse is inviting you into their world when they ask you to do something for them. Consider it an opportunity to build dependence, and to serve them. They say in marriage you must sacrifice; this is one opportunity to do exactly that.
(2) Learn to communicate urgent matters better. Communicating requests with the same intensity makes it understandably difficult to prioritize urgent ones.
(3) Respond to every request quickly. Silence is not a response. Feel free to say "No" or "Yes" and without feeling bad about your response. Whatever response is given, it is acceptable, without further manipulation.
(4) If the response is "No", you owe your spouse at least a reason why you can't do what they are asking. This provides resolution. Nothing need be argued about, the reason should be good enough at face value. Now, beware that too many (always) refusals communicate something else to your spouse (do you just hate doing anything for them?). A lot of times, a workable compromise exists to allow you to get things done, such as being able to relieve you of some commitments.
(5) If the response is "Yes", you ought to at least accompany that with when you might get things done. Most requests can be deferred to another day or week, depending, so there should never be pressure to get things done right away. An ETA also provides resolution by setting an expectation and grounds for accountability.
(6) If your spouse hasn't done what you asked them to do when they said they would be done, it's not time to attack with nasty labels and name-calling. Gently bring them to accountability for their commitment: how far have they gone with the request, are there any problems getting things done, if they need any help. Your chance to exercise grace.
(7) The feedback loop: even if it is plainly evident that you have done what was asked of you, you should endeavor to let your spouse know you got things done -- verbally. This provides closure/resolution and an opportunity to discuss the experience (and exchange favors!).
(8) For independent types like myself who default to wanting to get everything done ourselves, here's a chance to learn to request help and be vulnerable, and be content with what our spouse delivers: it is guaranteed to be different than how we would do it, but we learn to consider an alternative perspective anyway.
What is all boils down to, really, is communication. What we do for each other is ultimately communication. I personally think the best way to address communication in marriage is to consider its various facets piecemeal; here we picked just one thing we think we can do better at, before it blows up. The issue is not resolved until we've practiced these ideas consistently for a while. It is always good to talk and develop your own way of handling things, but the challenge is follow-through.
Our first target addresses what you ought to do (what your attitude ought to be) when your spouse asks you do to something for them. Simple, right? In our experience, while we do follow through on many occasions, sometimes things may not get done, or they may be done differently than we expected, or we may not even know what to expect and when. Those times, we end up with resentment, lack of trust or dependence, bad communication, or frustration about unmet expectations.
Our realizations (and "action plan", if I may say):
(1) Recognize that your spouse is inviting you into their world when they ask you to do something for them. Consider it an opportunity to build dependence, and to serve them. They say in marriage you must sacrifice; this is one opportunity to do exactly that.
(2) Learn to communicate urgent matters better. Communicating requests with the same intensity makes it understandably difficult to prioritize urgent ones.
(3) Respond to every request quickly. Silence is not a response. Feel free to say "No" or "Yes" and without feeling bad about your response. Whatever response is given, it is acceptable, without further manipulation.
(4) If the response is "No", you owe your spouse at least a reason why you can't do what they are asking. This provides resolution. Nothing need be argued about, the reason should be good enough at face value. Now, beware that too many (always) refusals communicate something else to your spouse (do you just hate doing anything for them?). A lot of times, a workable compromise exists to allow you to get things done, such as being able to relieve you of some commitments.
(5) If the response is "Yes", you ought to at least accompany that with when you might get things done. Most requests can be deferred to another day or week, depending, so there should never be pressure to get things done right away. An ETA also provides resolution by setting an expectation and grounds for accountability.
(6) If your spouse hasn't done what you asked them to do when they said they would be done, it's not time to attack with nasty labels and name-calling. Gently bring them to accountability for their commitment: how far have they gone with the request, are there any problems getting things done, if they need any help. Your chance to exercise grace.
(7) The feedback loop: even if it is plainly evident that you have done what was asked of you, you should endeavor to let your spouse know you got things done -- verbally. This provides closure/resolution and an opportunity to discuss the experience (and exchange favors!).
(8) For independent types like myself who default to wanting to get everything done ourselves, here's a chance to learn to request help and be vulnerable, and be content with what our spouse delivers: it is guaranteed to be different than how we would do it, but we learn to consider an alternative perspective anyway.
What is all boils down to, really, is communication. What we do for each other is ultimately communication. I personally think the best way to address communication in marriage is to consider its various facets piecemeal; here we picked just one thing we think we can do better at, before it blows up. The issue is not resolved until we've practiced these ideas consistently for a while. It is always good to talk and develop your own way of handling things, but the challenge is follow-through.
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