To Do Something For Your Spouse

Like many marriages, we still have a few kinks to work out towards a "more perfect union". We are fortunate that we have not had seriously big issues on which we have disagreed, but the little ones can get on our nerves the more frequent they occur. So we decided to start addressing one at a time, with an eye to having a means of dealing with said issues more smoothly.

Our first target addresses what you ought to do (what your attitude ought to be) when your spouse asks you do to something for them. Simple, right? In our experience, while we do follow through on many occasions, sometimes things may not get done, or they may be done differently than we expected, or we may not even know what to expect and when. Those times, we end up with resentment, lack of trust or dependence, bad communication, or frustration about unmet expectations.

Our realizations (and "action plan", if I may say):

(1) Recognize that your spouse is inviting you into their world when they ask you to do something for them. Consider it an opportunity to build dependence, and to serve them. They say in marriage you must sacrifice; this is one opportunity to do exactly that.

(2) Learn to communicate urgent matters better. Communicating requests with the same intensity makes it understandably difficult to prioritize urgent ones.

(3) Respond to every request quickly. Silence is not a response. Feel free to say "No" or "Yes" and without feeling bad about your response. Whatever response is given, it is acceptable, without further manipulation.

(4) If the response is "No", you owe your spouse at least a reason why you can't do what they are asking. This provides resolution. Nothing need be argued about, the reason should be good enough at face value. Now, beware that too many (always) refusals communicate something else to your spouse (do you just hate doing anything for them?). A lot of times, a workable compromise exists to allow you to get things done, such as being able to relieve you of some commitments.

(5) If the response is "Yes", you ought to at least accompany that with when you might get things done. Most requests can be deferred to another day or week, depending, so there should never be pressure to get things done right away. An ETA also provides resolution by setting an expectation and grounds for accountability.

(6) If your spouse hasn't done what you asked them to do when they said they would be done, it's not time to attack with nasty labels and name-calling. Gently bring them to accountability for their commitment: how far have they gone with the request, are there any problems getting things done, if they need any help. Your chance to exercise grace.

(7) The feedback loop: even if it is plainly evident that you have done what was asked of you, you should endeavor to let your spouse know you got things done -- verbally. This provides closure/resolution and an opportunity to discuss the experience (and exchange favors!).

(8) For independent types like myself who default to wanting to get everything done ourselves, here's a chance to learn to request help and be vulnerable, and be content with what our spouse delivers: it is guaranteed to be different than how we would do it, but we learn to consider an alternative perspective anyway.

What is all boils down to, really, is communication. What we do for each other is ultimately communication. I personally think the best way to address communication in marriage is to consider its various facets piecemeal; here we picked just one thing we think we can do better at, before it blows up. The issue is not resolved until we've practiced these ideas consistently for a while. It is always good to talk and develop your own way of handling things, but the challenge is follow-through.